Toxic Friendships

I think there reaches a point where no matter how much you want to continue to be friends with someone it is nearly impossible to under certain circumstances. I have had to cut many people out of my life that got into too many drugs and other things of that nature which is more than normal. Lately I think that I did fall for one of my best friends and should have kept my mouth shut for at least the time being. I am not in a good state of mind right now and everything I do seems to be annoying in the sense of that friendship. I feel as though there is now a tension between us that there never was before and it is time to stop this before it becomes any worse. Every conversation seems to make things worse and its someone I do not want to lose for good so I feel as though the best decision for now is to drift from them. I noticed that even before I said anything to them about my feelings they started to lie and act differently and now it has only gotten worse. Sometimes it is much better to let things go than to continue to care way too much to the point that it detrimental to daily activities. Overthinking has always been something that has been a problem of mine especially with people I am close with and unfortunately being ignored for so long made me have feelings for someone I didn’t think I would ever have feelings for and to be perfectly honest they have not been very helpful with anything since I told them. I have very few people in my life that I am close with and consider genuine friends and it sucks that this happened but now it is time to move forward and continue with my studies. I have been in a “mid-life” crisis lately feeling sorry for my self about everything and overthinking due to back problems and now this friendship going south has taken a toll. I went from playing on the 3rd best soccer team in the country, having professional trials lined up in Europe and graduating this spring to tearing my groin, having my soccer career be over and not being able to graduate for at least 2 years. Life sucks sometimes and I have a multitude of other things that have happened in the past two months and have had way too much time on my hands to sit around and think about things. Now I am taking seven classes and am about to get a job on top of that so overthinking will definitely no longer be an issue. I really do want a girlfriend at this point in my life and I wish that it could’ve been my best friend it would’ve made everything much better but I have to accept the fact that she does not feel the same which is an odd occurrence for me as in the past it was usually the other way around. I have no feelings of remorse or anger towards her since I have done the same thing to girls plenty of times and still think that she is an amazing human being. I now have a lot more empathy for those that have liked me and I did not feel the same in return.  I had a dream last night that I was working for Google and it made me realize how much I have to look forward to. Sometimes things suck but now I can only learn and grow from this as I have a lot to do to prepare for my future. I cannot thank my family enough for pushing me to get my degree and making me realize how important it is to finish school. At the end of the day people will always do what is best for them and I need to repay the ones that have sacrificed so much for me.

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Confusion and Certainty

The past couple of months have been a very peculiar ride mostly filled with confusion and not much certainty. The semester started off pretty normal of course it was always going to be weird not playing soccer and for most of the semester things seemed great. I was doing exactly as I had planned to by playing a lot of video games, finally being able to have a job and just enjoying college. I would binge play League of Legends for hours on end with no regard for my classes or much else and I loved it. I said in one of my previous posts that I was fine sitting around playing video games for a few years until I found a girl that would straighten me out and really had no clue what I wanted to do at all. After changing my phone number which I still think was one of the best decisions I have made I ended up getting a lot of people out of my life which is very bitter sweet. Of course I miss a lot of them however it got to the point that my social life was much more important than anything else and I was going out every night which just got to be too much. After changing my number I was able to focus on my friendships with the closest to me and have never been closer to my family and the three people that are my best friends. All three of them are completely different in just about every way but amazing in their own ways. One of them is a girl that I call my wife and who knows maybe one day she will be but I highly doubt it because I started to like her a little bit and I think she noticed and sent me a text about a dream she had the night before. She never sends anything like this and it was honestly hilarious, she said she had a dream that we were kissing and a spider crawled down my shirt and killed me. From how long I’ve known her I’m almost positive that means stop being weird and snap out of it haha but who knows that’s something I wouldn’t bring up unless she did because I don’t want my friendship with her to get weird over something so trivial. I do hope that isn’t the case and she had no idea because she has been very distant for over a month now and I am beginning to wonder if that has something to do with it. Anyways enough about that I have decided to focus my attention on myself this semester instead of everyone else and make sure that I lock in and take care of my future. For a little bit once soccer was over I kind of lost belief in myself since I didn’t achieve my dream of playing professionally that took a huge shot at my ego. I am glad that it happened now as it humbled me as a person and I strive to be a much better human being on a daily basis which includes making sure that I graduate as fast as possible to help take some stress off of my parents financial burden so that they can live comfortably like they deserve to. Playing video games and no soccer for a semester was fun and all but now I feel refreshed and I’m ready to grow up and focus on my future. I am certain that I will get an internship for Google next summer, I have a plan in place to make it happen and won’t settle for anything less. It is amazing how much my family has helped me out lately and I think they are a lot of the reason that I feel so refreshed because now I want to do well in school and get straight A’s so that I can go work for Google and have endless possibilities for a career after that. I cannot thank them enough for all that they do for me and I could not have done a lot of the things I do without them. The past year and a half were not easy and I am sure things will get even harder but I am thankful for what I have been through and now I am certain that I will begin to thrive instead of just survive. The time of uncertainty and not knowing what I want is now over, it’s time to go make my dreams come true no matter how difficult it gets.

Time to reflect and decompress

Some people are so busy all of the time that they never really have time to take a step back and reflect on events good and bad that have happened to them in recent months/years. For my college years I have been one of those people and let me be the first to tell you it is awesome being busy all the time, your mind is always on the go, never worrying about what happened or is what is going to happen just the present moment. It can be a very good place to sweep everything under the rug and never really face the thing that has been bothering you all this time. In the past week I have taken a personal week to face something head on that I have been shoving under the rug for a long period of time now, dating back to almost freshman year of college(now a senior). I dated a girl for a long time and it came to the point that so many fake break ups, unfinished arguments and downright frustration with each other finally came to an end when I decided to move to Denver. Keep in mind that for such a long period of time this is the girl I thought I would marry and if I meet her again in another time it could happen but due to all of the things going on there is no way that it could be possible at this point in time. So much pent up anger about what seemed like millions of little things piled up on each other that individually were of no harm at all but I would never let go of things and had built up rage towards her all of the time. Instead of doing what most people would do which is take a day to sit around and think about what really happened I did not have the time always being on the go, which in turn made me visualize thousands of different scenarios, way over analyzing every situation. In this past week I have had some of the best realizations and some of the worst. It’s not easy to face something that has bothered you for so long all by yourself away from society. As we come towards the end of this week now I am more that confident that as time goes on I will always remember to do this. Forgiving myself for things I wish I did differently in the past is one of the hardest and lowest places I have been in since it was something that was such a big part of my life for so long. Well that’s about it for this post and as the mystical girl in my story always used to say “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen”.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a girl in my life that I would’ve given the world too. It was crazy to think that this could really be the girl I would end up marrying, my feelings grew stronger for her everyday instead of reaching a two week block and moving on to the next girl just the opposite happened. She never really let me see her because she had know better from seeing what I did to girls in the past and made her this mysterious figure in my head that I craved more of. So much to the extent that there was a time when I would’ve given up my other dream(soccer) for her and just been content with being with her happily ever after and taking her to Disney every year. Then when I offered this to her she got scared and ran off for a little and it sent my mind into a frenzy in which I never fully recovered from until now. For the next portion of our relationship I grew more and more bitter about what she had done to the point that she cried almost every day which is hard to think about these days still. She found the point where she picked me over anything and I was still so childishly hurt by what she had done that I decided to chase my other dream. Moving out to Denver and choosing between my dreams instead of having both of them with me is something that has changed my life to an extent today that made me finally grow up and realize what I had. The ironic thing is that I chose soccer and went to Denver, regretted it about 10 days later, find out you have a new boyfriend, I tear my groin and lose soccer as well so now both of my dreams are gone in the blink of an eye. I write this not to bemourn the relationship and make people shy away from them but more to realize what you have before it is gone. I truly love that girl more than anything and its truly not possible for me to have any resentful feelings towards her anymore. She is the most beautiful girl in the world in my eyes still and whatever she is doing I hope she can find happiness.

With Much Love,

For the pgik.

A glimpse in the life beginning

So today I woke up around 7am(for the first time in a long time) and realized that something had changed inside of me. Recently I have been living in a paradox from two opposite spectrum’s of literature making me think about things from completely different points of view. The first book is a book about Elon Musk(CEO/CoFounder of Tesla/Space X) and the author made an amazing point. Vance mentioned Musk saying how things like social media are ruining the world and people like Mark Zuckerberg are too. Now I have all the respect in the world for Mark Zuckerberg’s level of intelligence, just wish that he would focus his energy on something that would help society instead of hindering it as does facebook. Elon Musk wants to do good for the human population, a self made man that wants to colonize another planet for the greater good of the human race and not make us more infatuated by some social media post that might make you smirk or even laugh every so often.

Next I read a book you all may be familiar with by Eckhart Tolle called The Power Of Now. He wastes no time with bullshit and go straight to the point. If you want to live with boundaries and unhappiness feel free but that is not the way that I will live like that. It made me realize that I needed a time in my life to decompress and do something that makes me genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I’ve decided to finish up software engineering in orlando and then take a break from coding for a while. I want to do something that I have always genuinely loved which is play video games. It is crazy how much some people make from streaming on twitch even Deadmau5 was on there the other day playing Diablo. I figure after a few years of this by the time I’m about 25 I’ll have found a girl that makes me want to do better and get back into engineering to make solid money for a family to live comfortably. I will always be content with my life from now on as I can finally sit back and enjoy life as it is and that is a glimpse into my life